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Confession #169: I Wonder What It’s Like to Be the Doctor

Regular readers will know that I’m something of a spoilerphobe. Try as I may, though, a few things always slip through the cracks and make their way to me. Usually these things are along the lines of casting news I’ve had preferred to have been surprised by or similar items, though occasionally a bigger spoiler leaks through.

More often than not, the details that filter down to me are not really a big deal; most people would likely consider them fair game, as they almost invariably originate from official Doctor Who publicity channels. I sigh quietly to myself that I’ve not avoided whatever little fact it is, and go on with my day. But sometimes what I stumble across actively delights me.

Case in point: this recent brief article from SFX Magazine in which once-and-future Doctor David Tennant praises the upcoming performance of Ncuti Gatwa. Reading that both gave me warm fuzzy feelings about the apparent camaraderie in the exclusive club of those cast as the Doctor and increased my own anticipation of Ncuti’s turn in the role even more (something I hadn’t realized was possible).

Confession #168: I Have Mixed Feelings About Quitting

Last week, Gallifrey One announced their first block of guests for next February’s convention. Obviously, the headliners are yet to come, but the fact that they started out with Alex Kingston (aka River Song), Lalla Ward (Romana II), and Whittaker-era composer Segun Akinola bodes well. It’s especially nice that they were finally able to book Kingston again after she had to cancel her 2015 appearance at the last minute.

However, thinking ahead to the next Gally has reminded me of the blog’s planned obsolescence, which is causing me to experience some mixed feelings. I was less than a year into my blogging career when I first heard about Gallifrey One and decided that it sounded like a cool thing to try. When the call for panelists came, and I threw my hat in the ring, I was extremely gratified that my credentials as a blogger were enough to help them decide to let me sit on a panel. I even made ribbons—at my first con!

I have never attended Gally when I wasn’t an active blogger. It has been my habit for over a decade to slip out of my hotel room in the morning (time zones are such a pain in the ass) to sit in the Lobby with my Starbucks breakfast and type out a blog post about the preceding day. It serves as much as a diary for me as it does as a way to share the con experience with my readers, but it’s also kind of a grounding ritual. Sitting quietly and reviewing the awesome things I experienced the previous day helps me stay in the present moment of Gally.

The prospect of a Gally without a blog is… perplexing. On one hand—as I’ve alluded to above—who am I at Gallifrey One if not a blogger, a journal-er, a reporter of my experiences? On the other hand, the prospect of being free from that obligation, of having one less task hanging over my head, buoys my spirit more than I had realized it would. I’m simultaneously sad at the thought of no longer having that record and relieved that I can just relax and enjoy the con.

Maybe that’s natural, though. Change is generally hard for humans, and transitions are particularly difficult for those of us with some kind of neurodivergence. So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m finding the prospect of doing something differently at Gally to be challenging. I just have to embrace the novelty, and celebrate a new chapter. Even without my readers.


More than two years ago, I shared that I was to have a part in a project that let me explore a different angle on a Classic story. I’m pleased to announce that Outside In Regenerates, in which I have an essay, is now available for pre-order at ATB Publishing. Fittingly, it is due to be released on 23 November 2023, the 60th anniversary of the first broadcast of Doctor Who.

The essay is in no way perfect—among other things, I could probably have gone on longer about the somewhat controversial premise I was arguing if I’d had the space—but I hope that at the least, it gives readers something different to think about. I hope you will consider supporting ATB in both this and its other wonderful publications.

Confession #167: I’m Psyched for a Queer Doctor

A couple of weeks ago, in an interview published by Elle UK, incoming Doctor Ncuti Gatwa referred to himself as queer. Or, to be more precise, referred to someone he met at a Pride event as “another queer Rwandan person.” We already knew that Ncuti was breaking new ground in Doctor Who in terms of racial representation, but this new perspective on what Ncuti brings to the lead role is even more thrilling. We get to have a queer Doctor.

Granted, the character may or may not express that aspect of identity. Obviously, I personally would love to see them do so, but even if they don’t (aside from the non-binary pronouns Ncuti consistently uses when referring to the Doctor), merely having a queer actor in the role will affect how the character is presented. Just as much as every viewer brings their own perspective (and baggage) to a story, so do the artists portraying the various characters bring something of themselves to a performance.

Of course, as always, much of how it all plays out on screen is down to the writers of the various episodes. There is only so much any one artist can do with what they’re given on the page (as we’ve seen often enough in the past, with Elisabeth Sladen and Colin Baker being some of the most prominent examples)—as the old saw in computing goes, “garbage in, garbage out.”

But it’s actually fairly rare that I would consider a modern Doctor Who script be worthy of such an epithet. Further, I am optimistic that the recent overall trend of bringing in more diverse scriptwriters will continue, which in turn will give Ncuti and his fellow artists more to work with. I think there is a very good chance that there are plenty of good stories on their way.

Even so, I need to contain my excitement and temper my expectations. Just as Jodie could not represent every woman out there when she became the Doctor, neither can Ncuti be the “one true” non-white person or the “one true” queer person. We need more stories both created by and about a wider cross-section of humanity for this very reason.

Since we’re used to seeing a wide range of white, heterosexual, cisgender male characters on our screens, we don’t automatically assume that either a lawful-good hero or a chaotic-evil villain (or any type in between) represents the whole of that demographic. How can one character possibly be, or one actor possibly portray, the entirety of any demographic? People are complex, messy creatures, and more than anything I hope that our first queer Doctor continues to be that kind of fabulously complicated, quirky mess of a person. That is, after all, a big part of why we love them.

Confession #166: I Wonder How We’re Falling Short

Doctor Who is all about looking at things from a different perspective, about how the universe—how we—might be different if we just stood in a different place or time. As the audience, though, we’re used to being the voyeurs into someone else’s situation. What might things look like, though, if we were to step back and view our own little pocket of spacetime from the outside?

We like to think about Doctor Who as a relatively progressive show, expanding the circle of inclusivity both in front of and behind the camera. Even if there is always more to be done, it makes us proud as fans to know that Doctor Who is doing its best to push the current boundaries. It’s great to see an ever broader cross-section of humanity represented on-screen.

But how well are we really doing?

This show has always pushed boundaries, from its very first episode. Yet all of us can look back on its history and find moments that make us cringe. Sometimes it has fallen short in terms of race, sometimes in terms of gender, sometimes in terms of sexuality—or any number of other marginalizations that could really have used better treatment from the Doctor (and the production staff). Even so, and to the show’s (and the fandom’s) credit, it keeps working to improve.

Yet in how many ways that we can’t even see yet is it falling short right now? That’s the thing that really bakes my noodle (so to speak). Even assuming this is the most enlightened show on English-language television (a questionable claim), there are things that our current society thinks nothing of that will almost certainly horrify our cultural descendants.

Confession #165: I’m Still a Fangirl

Every time we have a long dry spell between new episodes (which, let’s face it, is pretty much constantly the last five years or so), I find my mind wandering away from Doctor Who (as I previously outlined in great detail)—and I’m sure I’m not alone. And yet, when I do have the chance to watch again, even if it’s not new content, I find myself getting sucked back in.

For instance, as I started re-watching Series 4, I got all caught up in memories of my first experience with the series (the beginning of my fandom). Now I’m full of anticipation for the next installment—at least when I stop to think about it. Truthfully, my mind is full of all sorts of other things right now (aging parents, maturing children, various other sources of entertainment…), but given a moment’s mindshare, Doctor Who can still capture my attention.

That’s why I think it’s safe to say that I’m still a fangirl. Even though those moments when I’m drawn back into the Doctor’s world have been few and far between, the reentry is both rapid and natural. It’s one of those feelings of homecoming one gets, a comfortable mental or emotional state, when settling back into a frame of mind is like kicking off your shoes when you get home.

Similarly, when I think about the opportunity to meet up with friends and talk about all aspects of the show, and even to meet new-to-me cast and crew, I get a rush of energy and excitement. (Only another month or so until Gallifrey One starts announcing their first batch of guests for 2024…) The love I have for the show that forms the basis of my fandom is clearly still present. I doubt anything will ever be able to take that away entirely, even if (powers-that-be forfend) Doctor Who itself ever went away again.

And, of course, it never really will. Even should the televised show eventually face another cancellation, spinoff media of one sort or another will endure—I mean, whatever else, there will always be fanfic! The vast possibilities provided by the framework of the Doctor and their TARDIS traveling through time and space will spark the imaginations of fans for years and years to come. Whatever may happen to the formal franchise itself, fandom will remain.

That’s why, no matter how my interest waxes and wanes (as do new episodes), I will forever be a fangirl. I don’t care what others think of someone my age who claims that identity. It’s a label I’ll happily wear for the rest of my life.

Confession #164: I Need Novelty

I’ve long since stopped browsing most social media for Doctor Who news, so I really can’t even say for sure how many crumbs the production team has put out there to keep fans interested. Given the fact that almost nothing has filtered down to my corner of the internet, though, there can’t have been anything really big. Sadly, that makes it super hard for me to stay engaged with the franchise.

You see, one of the side effects of the initial COVID lockdown in our household was that we realized, one by one, that we are all ADHD here. Half of us have formal diagnoses, and the other half don’t (including me), but there are enough clues to be certain. For example, I’m led to understand that neurotypical people don’t simply forget to eat sometimes. (Sounds fake to me, but apparently it’s real.)

One thing about being ADHD is that without constant stimulation, I lose focus. I start to care less, even about things that once interested me deeply. Unless something is some combination of interesting, challenging, novel, or urgent, it’s unlikely to keep my attention. So when Doctor Who goes off the air for :checks calendar: thirteen months, it’s only natural that my brains skips off into the sunset to follow other pursuits. (That helps to explain why it’s been increasingly more difficult to maintain the blog, too.)

Confession #163: I Am a Spoilerphobe

I made the mistake, as I was trying to decide what to write about this month, of searching for Doctor Who news (I really ought to know better by now). Luckily, the headlines that came up weren’t anything super revealing, especially for someone like me who knows pretty much nothing about British celebrities. However, it reminded me of how much I hate spoilers.

Long-time readers will be unsurprised by that statement; I’ve often talked about not wanting to know story details before I watch. Even casting news (despite my aforementioned cluelessness re: name-brand actors) often makes me twitchy. Official trailers are about the extent of foreknowledge I’m willing to accept.

Of course, that’s not a universal preference of mine. My spoilerphobia centers primarily on narratives, so I will sometimes go quite the opposite direction if it concerns something with a predetermined outcome, e.g., a sporting event that’s already ended.

For example, I’ve recently been watching a couple of K-pop survival shows (that is, competitions with eliminations) with a friend. For the first one, as with Doctor Who, I steadfastly avoided anything online that would’ve told me ahead of time which trainees got cut (thus breaking my heart when certain favorites didn’t get to move on). The finale aired mere hours before we could watch together. While my friend went ahead and looked at the results, I went in knowing nothing, and thus went through the same elation / heartbreak cycle as the live audience did.

Confession #162: I Barely Remember Series Four

My kids’ birthday is coming up. Birthdays often make me think of the old game where Whovians gauge each others’ age by what episode aired the week they were born (mine was in the Pertwee era, but my kids had Tennant’s Doctor). Then I got to thinking about what modern era stories aired “this week in history.”

As I looked through the Wikipedia article listing episodes, I had lots of “Oh yeah, that one!” moments. It was like a rusty old door opening in the architecture of my memory. Sadly, I think that door only opens partway now.

There was a time when I could just rattle off the episodes in any given “new Who” series—in order—with barely any pause for thought. That time has long since passed. If I hadn’t had the page open in front of me, as I looked over the dates and associated them with episode titles, I wouldn’t have been sure what position in the series any of those episodes held.

I found that oddly distressing, in particular for Series Four. That series has been on my mind a fair bit lately (more so than other RTD-era series, for sure), with the impending return of Donna and a Tennant Doctor. (I am going to be fighting calling that one the “Fourteenth Doctor” for a long time, I can tell.)

Confession #161: I Am (Still) Psyched for Ncuti

Humans aren’t often good at existing in liminal mental spaces, and I’m no exception. Between times are rough. Even a hint at when to expect the transition into the next state of being can help, though, so I cling to those little details like my life depends on them.

That’s one of the reasons going to Gally every year is so important to me. Among other things, the conventions closes out with the annual “Year in Review” video, compiling clips of Doctor Who press—interviews, features, and announcements—from the prior year. It’s a quick hit that reminds me of all the exciting things that have happened and reinvigorates me for what is to come.

The most important of those upcoming attractions is unequivocally Ncuti Gatwa.

Of course, we needed to give Jodie her due as the outgoing Doctor. She has been absolutely brilliant in the role (whatever any given fan thinks of the scripts she was given), and fully deserves to be celebrated. I’ll also admit that I’m excited to see the return of Donna Noble (less so Tennant’s Doctor, but I’ve complained about that elsewhere) in the 60th anniversary bonanza.

Welcome to Year Thirteen

Triskaidekaphobes may not care for the idea that I’m highlighting this as the thirteenth year of the blog, but in my household thirteen is actually one of our favorite numbers. Further, we’ve just ended the Thirteenth Doctor’s era, and I can look forward to meeting Jodie Whittaker herself at Gallifrey One next month. I’d say Year Thirteen is worth celebrating.

This year will, as I’ve hinted before, be the last for the blog. Now that I’ve finally sold some fiction (you can find my first published story here, if you’re interested; I use a pen name), I want to focus more of my time and energy on that kind of writing. There are also several other personal stressors that have ramped up recently, and I simply have less energy to dedicate to blogging.

That’s not to say this year will be lax. I hope to be able to announce my part in that project to which I alluded a couple of years ago. I’ll be reporting on my experiences at Gally as usual, with the bonus of having one of my kiddos with me to provide fresh eyes. And I will finish up my Everything Else series of reviews of the Classic adventures.

Given that there are only five of those left, the blog schedule gets a bit loose around mid-year. But here is the schedule for those final five stories:

  • Jan 25: The Dalek Invasion of Earth
  • Feb 08: Enlightenment
  • Mar 22: The Invasion of Time
  • Apr 26: Frontier in Space
  • May 24: The Pirate Planet